Polar Ice Caps

Dear Adam, I’m freezing, and I’m huge. But every time I burn off a few tons, people freak out. Al Gore thinks I’m ana, but I’m just trying to feel good about myself. I don’t understand where other people get off telling me how big I should be. They say it’s not easy being green. Pshaw. Try being arctic blue for a day and see how you like it. What should I do to get people off my case?
–Bipolar at the Ends of the Earth
Dear Bi,
My advice is simple: melt already. If you want to trim down, I say go for it. The truth is, I think the globe on the whole could stand to be a little bit warmer, and up to this point you’ve been bringing down the curve. So if you want to melt, melt.
The rest of the world will have to deal with their own issues, that’s no concern of yours. You deserve to be warm just as much as the rest of us. You’ve spent long enough isolated in frigid waters. It’s time people on the equator find out what it’s like to be submerged. You just need to think about you right now.
We’ll be fine. Don’t read what they say about you in the papers, it will only give you a complex. The important thing is that you believe in your decisions. Have confidence. Stay strong. Melt away already. The world will just have to get used to a new you.

One Reply to “Polar Ice Caps”

  1. Although if she melts she’ll be spread all over the earth and if that happens, basically anyone can get a piece of her…so if she doesn’t want to be seen as a whore, she needs to keep some weight on.


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