Dear Adam,

Is there anything we can do better?

Thanks in advance for your help,

Women, Everywhere

Dear Omnipresent Females,

You’ve GOT to be kidding me. I won’t even ask if this is a trick question. I won’t marvel at the fact that you all seemed to come to such a simple consensus. I won’t suggest that you did so on that not-too-rare occasion when all the women in the world made a trip to the ladies’ room together. I won’t fall victim to one of the classic blunders (nor will I get involved in a land war in Asia or go in with a Cicilian when death is on the line). I won’t make the mistake of lumping all women together in a single criticism. I won’t take the bait and expose myself to ridicule from half the world. I won’t make the lethal assumption that a request for constructive criticism is anything but an opportunity to say how much I love everything about you.

Not this time. No thanks. Not now. Not ever. I hope that helps,


P.S. Wait. I just thought of something. Here’s one thing: I’ve said before that I don’t think people should talk on their cell phones while driving. You and your male counterparts aren’t listening to me, and I’ve come to grips with that. What I don’t understand, however, is what happens when the drive comes to an end before the call does . . . women are unwilling to get out of the car until ending the conversation that began while driving. I’ve seen it time and time again.

I’ve seen women who feel comfortable zipping around a triple-trailer semi while talking on their mobile phones. I’ve seen women texting while merging into 70 mph traffic. I’ve witnessed the phenomenon of eating and putting on makeup while talking on the phone and dodging falling boulders. But I’ve never seen a woman get out of the car before ending her call. It just doesn’t happen. Y’all can be racing to get to your destination, but you’ll go no further than taking off your seatbelt before saying goodbye and depositing the cell into the cavernous recesses of your purse.

I presume the conversation goes something like this: “Okay, I’m here. I should go.” And if you’re talking to a woman, she says, “Oh, okay. I’ll let you go. Bye.” Because she understands your predicament. You’re caught behind the wheel, and there’s nothing you can do. You have to end the call before you die of residual carbon monoxide poisoning. She’s a good friend.

So it’s safe and kosher to talk while driving, but it’s altogether reckless and/or improper to get out of the car before ending your call? I think not. So here’s my advice. Go ahead and get out of the car. Tell your friend you’re doing it before it happens, just so she can be on the alert in case your worst fears are realized. I don’t know what fears those are, but whatever it is has kept you immobilized. Fear not, women of the earth. You don’t have to hang up to get out of your cars.

Thanks for asking,

2 Replies to “Women”

  1. Thank you for spelling y’all correctly. Can we proclaim to the world (Southerners included) that y’all is spelled y’all and not ya’ll? Ok. Thanks for letting me rant.

    –A Southern Grammarian

  2. OK, since you are clearly a very confused male, I will clear up this seemingly great mystery for you. The reason we don’t immediately get out of our car is because we can’t hold the phone AND carry in all our other crap at the same time. Sheesh, you would think you could figure us out by now. 🙂

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