Twenty four reviews in two nights is killing me. I’ll be thrilled when we’re rid of four of these people so I can chastise awful singing at a more leisurely pace. After last night, I’d be willing to ax even more contestants, but patience is a virtue. It’s not one of my virtues, but it is said to exist, so I’ll honor it for now on the off chance it pays off in one of these roughed-up diamonds. Blah, blah, singing.
Before I get to Todrick, did Randy or Kara fart while Ryan was introducing the judges? No? Well, the judges are warning us of fragile nerves, which makes my job fun. You know what else is fun? Learning about songs people write in the shower about American Idol. I’d get to the singing, but Todrick started out talking. But then he took Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You Been Gone,” and revealed just how little versatility that song really has. He can sing, but why that?
Odds of leaving: Eh. No numbers. He’s sticking around.
Aaron’s gonna have a hard time if he lasts long enough for his voice to change. He also needs to be careful not to eat that microphone all in one bite. Okay, jokes aside, it wasn’t a great performance. He showed he can probably sing, but it would be nice to actually see it last for an entire song. He sang . . . um, something about goodbye. Simon’s right, I don’t remember it.
Odds of leaving: Unless every phone south of the Mason Dixon line fails, no way.
I’ve got a serious beef with the show’s sound crew. The lead vocals are just mixed very poorly, and they wind up sounding softer than the backup singers. Jermaine was the victim of that. He was also the victim of singing terribly. And dressing like Napoleon at a funeral. He sounded good for a lot of it, but he was clearly nervous as evidenced by his spasming lip at the end. “Get Here,” was a poor song choice, but I HATE it when the judges tell one singer to pick a song out of their typical style and then criticize the next one for picking a song out of their typical style. But, yeah, pick a song that doesn’t make me want to rip my eyelids off.
Odds of leaving: 4 to 1. That’s the Chicago pessimist factor.
Starsky! Or is it Rod Blagojevich before he grew up and cut his hair down to ginormous. I’ll go with Blago, because it fits better with singing “Apologize.” It’s also fitting that they spent so much time explaining how they called him back to the show right before he let his own brand of dreadful tell the story of why they cut him.
Odds of leaving: 1 to 1.
Note: I have never seen a parent look as angry and ready to kill someone as Tim’s mom looked during Simon’s critique.
At first I thought Joe and the band got skipped to different times on the island. But once he got it, Joe really came through and sounded like someone who wanted to sing professionally. I really like him, and I’m really afraid he might slip through the cracks. I’m also really going to stop using the word really.
Odds of leaving: 7 to 1.
“American Woman.” He is not up to this. Beneath the Morrisonian visage and vintage-looking new clothes is hiding a frail little dweeb with a bad voice. If anyone in America is grabbing their phones and thumbing their little texts in desperation to bring that back on stage, their last name had better be Grady.
Odds of leaving: Certainty.
Wow, a guy who split the judges in half. As bad as Tyler and Tim were, I can’t see how it matters, but Lee did alright. Not as good as Simon thought (as he defended his choice). Some parts were downright awful, not just in the sound, but I mean . . . can you really scream, “LET ME JUST LAY HERE!” without inciting fits of giggles? No. No you can’t.
Odds of leaving: I really don’t see how T&T have left any room in this week’s exit.
Oh, John, you fell a little too deeply in love with Shania’s praise of your bottom end. That was weird. Kara was dead on calling it loungy, because I felt like I was at a 40th wedding anniversary at open mic night at a piano bar. It was as bad as that metaphor. Or simile. Whatever, it was atrocious. He sounded fine, but the end product was a thousand question marks. Oh, I get it. He was singing that for his parent. But John, unless you have 6 million parents who will all vote 10 times, don’t do that again.
Odds of leaving: 12
I hope he sings about a mountain, because he is one. Let’s see . . . no, no mountain. Maroon 5. And he’s holding a guitar for no other reason than to make it look like a fiddle next to his mountainicity. He’s pretty good, but he made “This Love” sound a little too disco.
Odds of leaving: No way he can squeak between the two losers on the way out the door. No way.
Alex will not be confused with Adam Lambert. He will be confused with Alex “Deer in Headlights” Jones. Whoa. Good voice. No composure.
Odds of leaving: Look out, T-Twins, you’ve got company.
Holy McButter, his hair is down. He’s glowing. He’s the cover of a romance novel. And, unless my judgment is mercilessly clouded by the soft-focus lens they’re shooting him with, he sounds ready to record. From what I’ve heard so far, there’s no point in continuing this thing. Casey James, the man with two names, is gonna win this sucker.
Odds of leaving (with Kara): Solid.
What song is this . . . OH, the bullet song! I didn’t recognize it with intelligible lyrics. I really liked the performance, shaky as it was at points. I hate how the judges are telling him to do what he did with “Straight Up,” when that is exact-a-freakin-actly what he just did with that song. Make it original, just like your last performance. Holy crap, people. All that said, it did look like he had the lyrics written on his guitar. But other than that, I like this hombre.
There are no odds. he’s stickin’ around.