If the Cubs are dead, why did you look?

Next time you’re tempted to watch a Cubs game, watch this instead.

Remember From the Hip? Of course you don’t. It came out in 1987 and six people saw it. David E. Kelley and/or Judd Nelson fans might be interested, especially since it was Kelley’s first screenplay. But I think fans of the Chicago Cubs might want to give it a try, even though I’m about to give away a rather large spoiler. Still, I think 23 years after its release is long enough to wait.

Robin “Stormy” Weathers (Nelson) is defending the we-all-know-he-did-it murder suspect played (masterfully) by John Hurt. In a histrionic last-ditch effort to cast reasonable doubt on his client’s guilt, Weathers informs the jury that the alleged victim is still alive and is about to walk through that door. . . . 

The judge looks. The jury looks. Everyone in the courtroom looks toward the entrance to see the woman they thought was dead appear before their eyes.

She, of course, does not because she was brutally murdered some time ago. But Judd Nelson’s devilishly likable character would have you think otherwise. The same is true, dear fellow fans, about the Cubs this year. Yet still I watch with bated breath to see if they can pull out another win and salvage . . . something.

They, of course, do not. Today, as it has been nine times, NINE TIMES, this season, it was the Pirates who bettered the Cubs on a field of nightmares. Yet when Sean Marshall, after striking out the previous batter, worked the count full against Lastings Milledge, I still got nervous. I still listened eagerly for Pat Hughes to deliver those words of hope . . . He got him!

Those words never came. Milledge walked. The Pirates’ second, ultimately frivolous run scored, and the Cubs were well on their way to their 257th loss of the season.

I wish I could advise you without the slightest bit of hypocrisy to stop looking to see if the Cubs are alive in a single game or in the season standings, but I’m sure I’ll be fooled myself. I’ll be gullible enough to think they can come back from a 1-run deficit in the 9th. I’ll be so silly as to glance at the GB column in the standings. All hope for me is lost, but please, for the sake of your own dignity, save yourself! Don’t bother looking!

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