103 Things That Won’t Happen in 2011 (but I’ll hope for anyway)

It has been 102 years, 4 months, and 2 days since the Cubs last won the World Series. I round up to 103 years because that’s the minimum amount of time we can expect to have elapsed between Series-clinching wins for the Cubs. Some people don’t like that approach. This keeps me up at night. That’s not the point.

Yes, that’s a gang symbol. North Side!

The point is it’s been a long wait. The intersection of realistic people and people who expect the Cubs to win the World Series this year is the empty set. And at this point, I don’t care. As the late Ethan Hawke once said when asked which of his movie’s soundtracks most exceeded the film in terms of quality, critical reception, and revenue generation, “Reality Bites.” So here’s a list of 103 things that won’t happen this year. But I want them to (well, most of them), and I’ll go ahead and pretend that’s realistic.

103. The Cubs will sign Albert Pujols when free agent season commences and he’ll give them the “Screw you, Cardinals” discount.
102. Carlos Marmol will save 50 games.
101. Starlin Castro will have a 25-game errorless streak.
100. Todd Ricketts will throw six bench players in the trash and pay for them out of his own wallet.
99. Angel Guzman will pitch. In the majors. Effectively.
98. They’ll open a Starbucks in my house.
97. Bleacher ticket prices for all home games after July 1 will be lowered to $10.
96. Rudy Jaramillo will learn to control the wind.
95. Aramis Ramirez will hit 30 home runs.
94. Before the All-Star break.

93. Cubs fans on Twitter will stop arguing after losses and instead tweet Kumbaya repeatedly.
92. I’ll learn to calculate tERA in my head.
91. I’ll find a link to an explanation of tERA.
90. New Cubs radio analyst: me.
89. The Cubs’ first loss will come in May.
88. First 3-HR game of 2011: Carlos Zambrano.
87. I won’t mess up the numbering of this ridiculously long stupid idea for a post.
86. The first Cubs/Cardinals game will be decided on a Ryan Theriot TOOTBLAN.
85. I’ll have the best sandwich I’ve ever eaten.
84. The Cubs will employ a six-man starting rotation, and all six starters will win 20 games.
83. I’ll order another one of those sandwiches.
82. “Go Cubs Go” will be played over the Wrigley PA 50 times between April and October.
81. And about 10 more times in October.
80. Mike Quade will have to downplay his effect on this team and defer credit to management and the players.
79. Jim Hendry will refrain from saying, “I told you so.”
78. But he will have told you so.
77. Paul Sullivan will hug it out with Big Z.
76. The nickname “Grouchy Faun” will catch on.
75. Cubs players won’t be known by their disparaging adjectives.
74. Jennifer Lopez will sing the 7th inning stretch.
73. Shut up.
72. I’ll laugh at how many of these will come true.
71. That number will be higher than 6.
70. Ryan Dempster won’t miss a start.
69. The Cubs will have to replace the W flag from overuse.
68. Four times.
67. Cubs fans will start referring to 2011 as 20!!.
66. President Obama will dread welcoming the MLB champions to the White House.
65. He’ll take credit for the Cubs’ success.
64. I won’t care.
63. I’ll stop filling up these options with fragmented filler.
62. Pat Hughes will discuss wOBA at length.
61. 10 walkoff homers.
60. Keith Moreland will make us love him.
59. He’ll even sing that song from Dreamgirls, and point at everybody in Wrigley shouting, “You and you and you and you and you . . . you’re gonna love me!”
58. And you.
57. I’ll only come up with good ideas for blog posts, ones that I can finish lazily and not want to stab out my eyes halfway through.
56. Wait, I’m not halfway through? Please alert me of any typos by voicemail. My eyes no longer work.
55. On account of the stabbing.
54. A new Garfield movie will come out, and everyone will not loathe it.
53. Alfonso Soriano will start live tweeting Cubs games from left field.
52. He will answer all criticisms before attempting to pick up the ball that just got by him.
51. Spring Training games will be meaningful.
50. Andrew Cashner will be the 20!! Rookie of the Year.
49. I’ll verify rookie-of-the-year eligibility requirements before making predictions of that nature.
48. I’ll celebrate my birthday with a Cubs victory.
47. I’ll finally have a beer.
46. I’ll begin four consecutive list items with I’ll.
45. Make that five.
44. Dammit.
43. The cause of advanced statistical projections will be set back 10 years by the ridiculously improbable success of the Chicago Cubs.
42. This team will have a nickname. The Whodathunkits or something.
41. It will be warm on Opening Day.
40. The DH will be implemented in the National League at midseason.
39. The NFL and the NFLPA will reach a labor agreement. Because of the Cubs.
38. All of the things John Lennon imagined will come true in a Danish think tank.
37. They’ll conclude it wasn’t all that great of a dream to begin with, whether he was the only one or not.
36. Calvin & Hobbes will come back.
35. Parking at Cubs games will stop sucking.
34. Not a single broadcast will go by without Pat Hughes using the word cerulean.
33. We’re going to miss Ronny. A lot.
32. . . .
31. I’ll take in a game with Tim and Julie.
30. I just poked myself in the eye with my thumb for real. Even my subconscious hates this post.
29. The winner of American Idol will be booked to sing the national anthem at a very important Cubs game.
28. She will be bumped at the last minute and replaced by Jim Cornelison.
27. Figuratively speaking.
26. Albert Pujols will tell Chicago sports talk radio that he’s on the right side of the rivalry now.
25. Koyie Hill. Game winner. Game 5.
24. I know, right?
23. Geovany Soto will see the 2-spot in the batting order.
22. A rookie we aren’t talking about will do something special.
21. Randy Wells will confound his doubters and throw a no-hitter.
20. The day after getting absolutely plastered.
19. No one in Chicago will ever boo Carlos Zambrano again.
18. Tyler Colvin: shard free.
17. A prominent Chicago writer will conclude that the hype around Starlin Castro has, up to now, been understatement.
16. Kerry Wood. Standing ovation. In Game 7.
15. Wire.
14. To.
13. Wire.
12. A lot of people who never saw the Cubs coming will say that they should have seen the Cubs coming.
11. I’ll get through this without laughing till I puke.
10. AU-GIE. AU-GIE. AU-GIE.
9. Matt Garza will make the smart people feel stupid.
8. Fernando Perez will conduct a seventh-inning-stretch poetry slam.
7. Carlos Pena will smile all day every day, and he won’t quit until every last Cubs fan in the world is smiling with him.
6. Only five left. I can’t believe there are only five left.
5. At some point, the Wrigley faithful will be chanting M-V-P. Maybe for Derrick Rose, I don’t know.
4. At no point will I regret ever typing this godforsaken list.
3. Bill Murray will describe this team as a Cinderella story.
2. Albert Pujols will hire me as his agent.
1. The Cubs will win the World Series.

Whew.

4 Replies to “103 Things That Won’t Happen in 2011 (but I’ll hope for anyway)”

  1. Add me to #31, eventually, rooftop perhaps, but it'll have to be after my wedding when I have money to spend, my wedding is in October, so we can catch one then…see #1.

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