Rapture List

It’s like a bucket list, but if you skip the bucket and go straight to the Rapture. And if you aren’t actually going to die (and you only have 18 hours or so) you’ve got to make a totally different list. If your bucket list involves flying to Nepal, your plane just might land without you on it. Raptured with a fully unchecked list. No, if you want to manufacture the notion that you’ve lived a fulfilled life on a schedule, you’ve got to streamline. Trade your Mount Kilimanjaro wishes for Mountain Dew dreams.

It’s actually way more fun. So here’s my Rapture list:

  • Go to sleep before 10, just once. Crap.
  • Make pancakes.
  • Post twice in one day. Check!
  • Drink a whole pot of coffee.
  • Let the lawn grow to a length that makes the neighbors stage an intervention. Check!
  • Play Lego Star Wars III for the Wii. Check!
  • Tell the 3 year olds picking dandelions at their soccer game that they should really just consider hosting their own poetry slam because a 3-year-old poetry slam would be so much more awesome than a 3-year-old soccer game.
  • Half-heartedly watch Easy A while blogging. Check!
  • Find some roses and intentionally walk right by them without smelling them because you don’t have time for that crap, you’ve got a list to complete.
  • Start a rumor.
  • Throw a baseball.
  • Add bacon.
  • Tell someone the truth. You know. Like, more than what you’d normally be willing to tell them. A little more. No, not that. That.
  • Speak in an accent you can’t quite pull off just to embarrass whoever it is your with.
  • No, don’t do that, that’s lame. Just . . . pretend that you were gonna.
  • Leave the last two bullet points even though they’re both lame, because the Rapture is coming, and you don’t have time to delete stuff. Check!
  • Listen to some music. Even if it sucks. Check!
  • When you’re sitting in front of a group of high schoolers who have the word quiescent on a vocabulary test, tell them that they’ll never use the word quiescent ever again in their lives and if they do, someone will slap them. . . . Check!
  • Make a rapture list. (Make it shorter than this because you have less time than I do.)Check!
  • If you don’t make a list, just add one to this one, and then don’t do it. You gotta leave the Rapture wanting more, yeah?

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