Random. The past tense of rundom.

I’ve got nothing to say. Must be time for a blog post.

Many times I wonder what it’s all about. Then I remember to put my whole self in and put my whole self out. After a a bit of shaking, the world has new meaning.

Upon further reflection, the antecedent of the word it in the chorus is probably the Hokey Pokey, in which case we’re back at square one in the study of the purpose and meaning of the universal it of our existence.

Whatever it is all about is undoubtedly more perplexing on roller skates.

Roller skating. Now there’s a mating ritual I don’t mind leaving behind. The entire trip to a roller rink was one long demonstration of virility on wheels. Although it was also a chance to try to find rejected silver dollars in video game coin returns. I didn’t realize until today that they were metaphors of my own existence.

I really like a good metaphor. They are Swiss Cake Rolls in the sack lunch of life.

How does Little Debbie stay little?

Debbie Downer was the most peculiar SNL character of all time in that the first sketch was absolutely hysterical, but no future iterations were ever very funny at all. I suppose we should be thankful it didn’t have enough momentum to become a movie.

Coffee is like oxygen in that when I run out of it, I turn blue.

That reminds me. I need coffee. Now.

Green Bird

It's not easy bein' awesome.

I’ve always liked the song “Bein’ Green.” Kermit sings it. Ray Charles sings it. Two musical giants right there. Well, one musical giant and a musical frog. Still, impressive. But the thing I love about the song is that it’s not just a Muppet kids song, it’s a song for people who are different. I’ve always suspected I was different. This has been substantiated many times over through peculiar and suspicious glances in my general direction and the occasional direct statement of fact.

“Adam. You’re weird/different/strange/odd/bizarre/you’re own person.” Ah, Thanksgiving.

But it’s also about people who blend in with ordinary stuff. It’s not just that we’re different from other people, it’s that we grow up as background scenery. We’re not Zach Galifianakis. We’re not Ben Stiller. We’re one of two ferns on the interview set.

At the bridge, the song transitions from bemoaning the familiar, nondescript nature of greenness to celebrating its vibrancy, grandeur, and overall sparkliness. I guess I can identify with both blending and sticking out like a green thumb. But I’ve never felt so close to the song as I did when I heard Andrew Bird’s version, a track off the Green Album (full of Muppets songs and nostalgia and wonderful artists such as Weezer, My Morning Jacket, and Rachael Yamagata). Give it a listen. You won’t be disappointed.

Wait, you were disappointed? Pardon my French.

Couldn’t listen because of flash restraints? I understand. Flash isn’t for everyone. Here’s something more YouTubular:

Ten Things to Remember When You’re Feeling Blue

10. The Heimlich.

9. There are other words than Smurf, okay?

8. You’re not alone. That’s why the Blues is plural.

7. If you say you feel cerulean, no one will think you’re sad. They’ll think you’re fabulous.

6. Watch out for green people. They think they’re the only color with problems. Verdigris is bitter.

5. It’s probably time to get out of the water.

4. If you go to a Picasso exhibit, you should totally try to blend.

3. Look both ways before you cross the street. That’s just good sense for people of all colors.

2. The Avatar jokes are coming. Be ready with a comeback.

1. True love or not, dating an Oompa Loompa is a bad idea for a multitude of reasons.

Morning Minute 9-9-2011

My niece Mackenzie sees things her own way. That’s a gift.

I can’t remember what triggered the memory (impossible to imagine me having a random thought, I know, but it happens), but I recently had a flashback to watching Return to Me with Mackenzie. She liked it. She didn’t complain. 98% of the movie left her smiling, but one story line absolutely captivated her. Here’s how she viewed the movie:

The gorilla, Sidney, needed a new cage.  david duchovny’s character’s wife died her heart was used in a transplant to save minnie driver’s character who then serendipitously fell in love with david duchovny’s character without knowing that her heart used to belong to his wife and then they found out and oh my goodness that’s so weird but then it wasn’t and then they wound up together because their hearts were meant to be together and what in the world is wrong with that. Then Sidney got a new cage! Applause!!!!

The question on most people’s minds: when and how will the two romantic leads finally make this crazy situation work? The question on Mackenzie’s mind: will Sidney get the bigger, better habitat she deserves? Who is asking the right question? I don’t care. But I know Mackenzie was asking the question no one else was asking. She wins.

So this is what I ask myself: what are the so-called small victories that could be easily won were I not so concerned about the issues that, according to popular opinion, are more important? Am I trying to make everyone happy when I should be trying to make Mackenzie happy? Or Heather? Or Colin? Or Reuben, Carrie, or Jamarcus? You get the idea.

 

Random Acts of Commas

As fantasies go, fantasy football is really rather short on unicorns.

The funniest four words ever spoken on film came from the lips of Andre the Giant.

And yes, I do want a peanut.

No, I don’t dream of large women.

The title of this post means nothing.

But I am rather fond of the Oxford comma.

People in glass houses should have hired a better Realtor.

I’ve never smoked anything. If I were to take it up, I’d start with a brisket.

I don’t drink alcohol. If I were to take it up, I’d start with vanilla.

Tom Hanks.

Tony Randall!

I swear, if anybody gets all of these references, we are so friends.

Frank McCort’s Teacher Man is a great book with one lesson I always try to remember: let people be. You can love people without trying to fix them.

When I overedit a sentence, I usually leave a typo behind.

The surest way to avoid misplacing your smartphone is to be veraciously addicted to it.

I really kinda hate the word marketing.

The more people I meet, the more people I care about, and the more people I care about, the more I realize I just can’t care about everybody, and the more I realize I just can’t care about everybody, the more I feel broken.

Because run-on ain’t nothing but a number. Yes, I know, it’s not even a number.

When it comes to true friends, Doc Holliday and I have much in common.

Is this long enough to be a post? I’m running out of random stuff.

Okay, honestly, I’m just running out of time. I don’t ever run out of random stuff.

Dobby the house elf made the redemptive transformation from annoying character to painfully endearing hero that no amount of technological wizardry could ever help Jar Jar Binks to duplicate.

Someone, somewhere along the way should have stopped that Mission Accomplished banner from being printed.

There’s no reason not to eat ice cream every day. None.

Okay, that’s it. Go home.