Tag Archives: Cardinals Suck - Page 2

See You @ Wrigley

Posted by on July 29, 2009 No comments

It’s game day today. I’ll admit, I don’t make it to a lot of Cubs games. Ever since they became good ridiculously marketable, the price of tickets (and fees and taxes and fees on taxes and the overwhelming convenience of it all) has exceeded my desire to have beer spilled on me watch frat boys act like they’re running the place enjoy the sound of 30,000 texts being tapped into cell phones while as many heads bow in ignorant worship of the wireless devices of their own destruction see the games live on a regular basis.

But this is it: my 3rd and probably final Cubs game of the year. My wife, my five-year-old son (who is right now anxiously awaiting the El ride to the station that shares his name and who will spend the majority of the game anxiously awaiting the El ride back), and I will all make our way to that holy hall, equal parts friendly and confining.
I hope the Cubs can reclaim first place. I hope the Cardinals’ season gets cancelled. I hope my son can join the throng in jubilant Goodman chorus as we serenade the rising W flag.
If all else fails, we’ve always got next year, when the little brother should be old enough to join us.

The View From Below: How the Cubs Look to the Rest of the NL Central

Posted by on July 27, 2009 2 comments

Obviously, I’m excited about the Cubs being in 1st place. I am by no means content, as the Cubs will have to play a few teams superior to the Reds, and the Cardinals will have to play a few teams inferior to the Phillies as the season winds to a long, unforgiving close.

But I’ll take it. Still, to add some perspective to where the Cubs stand right now, I thought I’d look at things from the point of view of the other NL Central teams and their fans. When they look up at the Cubs, what do they see (besides my shaking, taunting booty)?

1. The St. Louis Cardinals

I honestly and truly believe the St. Louis fanbase is not at all worried about the Cubs. They view Chicago’s recent foray into first as a mosquito sneaking a bite—it hurts a little now, and it will continue to itch the rest of the season, but they think their newly remodeled Cardinals are poised to swat the Cubs into oblivion. I wish I could dismiss their beliefs with certainty, but they have made some good moves. Still, their pitching staff leaves a lot to be desired, and I don’t see those desires being met in time to stop the Cubs from running away.
2. The Houston Astros
No matter how out of it the Houston Astros seem to look each and every year, no matter how late, they seem to find a way to become the hottest team in baseball at just the right moment. That moment came much earlier this season, and it’s brought them right back into the thick of a very thick NL Central divisional race.
To them, the Cubs are just the hill standing between them and the boys and girls in the valley who can’t wait for their toys and dolls and after-dinner treats. They aren’t afraid of the Cubs, the Cards, or anybody else. This is a team that makes a living out of playing the Underdog, and they do a much better job than that joke of a live-action movie ever could. Carlos Lee: Cub killer. Jason Lee: cartoon killer. Hopefully, though, the little engine that could will run out of steam before completing too many homer-celebratory laps around the Juice Box outfield.
3. Milwaukee Brewers
Really, Milwaukee, I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Bug your eyes out and yell, “Noooooo!” all you want, but the Cubs = your daddy.
Call it a psychological edge. Call it a big-brother complex. Call it Cecil to your Prince. Call your sons, call your daughters, call your neighbors. The Cubs kind of own the Milwaukee Brewers. There will be plenty of times that the Brewers get the best of the Cubs, but they will all take place too long before the end of the season for any of them to matter all that much. They can go ahead and acquire whatever big name pitcher they want, the superstars will leave at the end of the season, and they’ll take the Brewers hopes of vanquishing their nemesis with them.
Luke never kills Darth Vader, fellas. He lives on as the single most marketable character in the history of licensing. Sound familiar, Bernie?
4. Cincinnati Reds
Reach in there and find my wallet. It’s the one that says ‘Bad Fukudome.’
Say ‘what’ again. I dare you. I Fukudome double-dog dare you. Say ‘what’ again.
Sewer rat might taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, ‘cuz I ain’t gonna eat the filthy Fukudome.
Oh, you play for the Reds? Then I’m superfly TNT. I’m the guns of the Navarone. I’m a mushroom cloud layin’ Fukudome, Fukudome.
5. Pittsburgh Pirates
Heaven help me, I just don’t have it in me to make fun of these guys and their fans. The only view the Pirates have of the Cubs is the vain hope that the Cubs will acquire one of their favorite players and give them a sentimental rooting interest in the playoff hunt.

1st Place

Posted by on July 26, 2009 No comments

The Cubs are in 1st place in the worst division in baseball baseball black hole NL Central.

I’m just gonna savor it. With my friend, Nelly.

Stat of the Week: Mark Buehrle Works Fast. Real Fast.

Posted by on July 23, 2009 No comments

Normally I don’t like to focus my attention on guys who grow up Cardinal fans and become White Sox. But I have to make an exception just this once.

Obviously, Mark Buehrle faced the minimum today. That’s why they call it a perfect game. It’s common knowledge he’s a guy who likes to work quickly (he only spent 31 minutes on the mound in this game; Steve Trachsel has gone that long in between pitches). His fastball might be slow, but his games go by like blinks. But never in history has there been a pitcher who has been able to work this quickly through so many games. Sure, it’s Buehrle’s 1st perfect game. It’s his 2nd no hitter. But facing the minimum is old hat for the Missouri native.

This is the third time Mark Buehrle has thrown a complete-game shutout and faced the minimum 27 batters. Check it:
July 21, 2004. White Sox over the Indians 14-0. Buehrle 9 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 4 SO, 27 BF (Batters Faced)
April 18, 2007. White Sox beat the Rangers 6-0. Buehrle 9 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 8 SO, 27 BF
July 23, 2009. White Sox defeat the Rays 5-0. Buehrle 9 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 6 SO, 27 BF
And, although it must have seemed like a marathon outing, here’s one more just to make us jealous Cub fans squirm:
August 3, 2001. White Sox best the Devil Rays 4-0. Buehrle 9 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 SO, 28 BF
I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to find a list of 9-inning games where the minimum 27 batters were faced by a pitcher or pitching staff. A comment on the latest baseball-reference blog claims that no other pitcher has duplicated Buehrle’s feat, but I can’t verify the fact.
Right now, I’m simply holding firm to the idea that it’s a pretty safe bet. Buehrle is in a league all his own. Congrats.

The ’09 Cub Fan Manifesto: I Want Ugly

Posted by on July 22, 2009 1 comment
I’m asking any Cub fan who will listen (and any Cardinal or White Sox fan who will mock) to join me in a sign of solidarity and pragmatic desperation. Just . . . repeat after me.
I want ugly.
I want the Chicago Cubs to go limping into the playoffs.
I want things to look bad.
I want the National League Central to be known as the worst division in baseball.
I want the Cubs to be forgotten.
I want baseball purists to question the validity of allowing any team from this division to play in the postseason.
I want as many Cubs as possible to perform below expectations.
I want the Cubs to ride the wave of midwest mediocrity straight into October.
I want the Cubs to stay out of first place until the very last day of the season.
I want ugly.
I don’t want to feel good about the Cubs’ chances in the playoffs.
I don’t want to draw a favorable matchup.
I don’t want the lefty-righty advantage.
I don’t want to hear Joe Morgan, Joe Buck, or Joe Mama telling me the Cubs have what it takes to win.
I don’t want the Cubs to play in a way that inspires us fans to cheer louder.
I don’t want respect.
I don’t want admiration.
I want ugly.
I want the 2009 Cubs to go down in history as the worst team ever to make the playoffs.
I want to hear boos cascading (and see booze cascading) down upon Cub outfielders.
I want to hear ESPN analysts dismiss the Cubs as the team everyone wants to play in the opening round.
I want the Cubs’ division clinching win to air in the second half of Sports Center.
I want shame.
I want low expectations.
I want the world to know just how overpaid this Cubs team is.
I want Triumph, the insult comic dog, to poop on the Cubs.
I want ugly.
I don’t want to be able to imagine the Cubs winning it all.
I don’t want to hear anyone tell me, “This is the year.”
I don’t even want to hear the question, “Is this the year?”
I don’t want Jayson Stark picking the Cubs as his dark horse.
I don’t want the insults from Sox and Cardinal fans to stop.
I don’t want walk-off homers.
I don’t want come-from-behind wins.
I don’t want any of the crap that made past Cubs seasons enjoyable.
I want ugly.
I want the Cubs to win it all, and I want to hate every step on the path that leads them there.
I want ugly.

Confirmed: Cardinal Fans Are Full of Crap

Posted by on July 15, 2009 4 comments

It wasn’t a surprise to hear card-carrying Cardinal Lovers Joe Buck and Tim McCarver lavishing praise on the St. Louis fans during the All Star festivities. But I had to giggle when they started discussing the respect the Cardinal faithful show to the opposition.
The hypocrisy was in full effect during the All-Star Game introductions, as evidenced with hilarity by this clip from a Chicago Sun-Times article on the All-Star proceedings:

Coming home

Among the American League All-Stars, White Sox left-hander Mark Buehrle got the loudest ovation from the crowd at Busch Stadium during pregame introductions. Buehrle said he didn’t know what to expect, but doubted he would get booed.
Buehrle — a lifelong Cardinals fan — knows St. Louis baseball fans consider him one of their own.
”I remember when I was a kid, you come here and the Cardinals could lose 1-0 and they give the other pitcher a standing ovation if he pitched a good game,” said Buehrle, who grew up 25 minutes away in St. Charles, Mo. ”They enjoyed seeing good baseball. If someone hit three home runs or had a great game offensively, they were applauding the other team instead of booing them like most stadiums where they boo the opposing teams.”

Boos for Lilly

St. Louis fans have their limits and they showed that by booing Lilly — the Cubs’ lone representative. Lilly took it in stride, smiling as he tipped his cap.

I’m going to let you in on a secret: I agree that Cardinal fans are good fans. They follow their team, they wear the silly Cardinal gear, and they actually pay attention to the game. They do all the things fans are supposed to do . . . including booing the opposition. But I hate it when commentators like Buck and McCarver promote the ridiculous positive stereotype that all (or even most) Cardinal fans are prim, proper, dignified saints transported straight out of Victorian England. They can be just as rude, vulgar, vindictive, and disrespectful as the next fan.
And, like their White-Sox cheering counterparts, St. Louis fans are often consumed with anti-Cub obsession. Yes, despite the fact that both sets of fans have enjoyed multiple World Series championships since the Cubs last sniffed World Series glory, they are still preoccupied with hating on the Cubs. Why?
The answer is pretty simple. Cardinal fans are jealous. Jealous of the losing? No. Jealous of the drunken idiots populating Wrigley in ever-increasing numbers? Not so much. They’re simply jealous of the national adoration poured on a team they find undeserving of praise. Cardinal (and White Sox) fans who spontaneously spew insults at the Cubs and their fans are like People magazine readers who don’t understand why Julia Roberts keeps showing up in the “50 Most Beautiful People” issue. They just don’t get the fascination, and they hate us for it.
Okay, maybe they hate the drunken idiots and the loudmouths and the hypnotized drones who fail to recognize the success of other teams, too. But most of all, I think Cards fans resent the Cubs for being the default fan favorite of people who don’t really know or care about baseball.
If you’re a fan of the Cardinals and/or the Sox, I understand the sentiment. I understand why you don’t like the Cubs and their fans. But when you go out of your way to bash them, it just cheapens your image and your love of your teams. If it’s any consolation, a lot of us hate you, too. But most of us have the self-respect to avoid talking about you unless it’s absolutely necessary. This is one of those times.
Moving on . . .

Worst. Rivalry. Ever.

Posted by on May 21, 2009 No comments
UPDATE: Hooray!! Yes, the Cubs got swept, but that $#&#@! series is over, and we won’t see that blasted Arch until September.

I hate this rivalry. Cubs/Cardinals is my least favorite matchup in sports, it really is. To me, playing the Cardinals is like heading into a Haunted House—the only thing you can really hope for is to make it out alive.

It’s not that I fear the Cardinals. I hate the Cardinals. And while Yoda might say those two things are nearly synonymous, I don’t see it that way. The simple fact of the matter is, the Cardinals have won 10 World Series since the Cubs last called themselves champs. So no amount of regular-season winning can erase that edge. 
When the Cubs beat the Cardinals, it’s a relief. It’s escaping the bully. When the Cardinals win, it’s like getting a noogie, a swirlie, and a super-wedgie all at once in front of your junior-high-school crush. And when they win the World Series, it’s like watching them walk away with said crush while you hang suspended by your underpants with a sore forehead and a wet, twisted hairdo that reeks of stale number 1.
All that has made this series, in which the Cubs have scored one futile run, an embarrassing Freaks/Geeks flashback. Hopefully the Cubs can get one win and we can escape without any further ripping of whity-tighties.
And, oh, yeah, LaRussa is the Devil. 

Sun, Meet Dog’s Tail End

Posted by on May 19, 2009 No comments


As a Cubs fan who blinked twice, looked up, and realized the Cardinals had just blanked my favorite team in under 2.5 hours, it feels a bit odd to say this, but here goes: Games like this make me love baseball even more.

Yeah, getting blanked by a guy who has no business throwing a complete game shutout (a guy named Joel Pineiro) sucks, but he was on today. Baseball is a game where some days, a not-so-great pitcher can have a Cy Young day. I love that about baseball. When the sun shines on a dog’s can, it shines really, really bright. Smile, doggy butt, this is your day in the sun.
And it’s so easy to walk away from a game like this without feeling bad. Tomorrow could be Bobby Scales chance at 3 homers or Milton Bradley’s long-awaited 5-for-5 effort. Who knows? There are plenty of K-9 keisters just waiting to bask in the glow.

My Cubs Bio

Posted by on January 15, 2009 No comments

I’m pretty sure I’m not in the Cubs media guide, but if I were, here’s what I’d hope they’d say about me:

I’m not the biggest Cubs fan in the world. I don’t collect memorabilia. I’m not a season ticket holder. I’ve never been to spring training. 

But I will say that visiting Wrigley Field for the first time may have been the defining moment of my life. It feels like home. The Cubs feel like family. And every game feels like yet another family meal that I’m not allowed to miss. 

I don’t cheer for the Cubs because I want to, I do it because I believe I was born this way and I don’t know what else to do. I will never give up on the Cubs. I will never be done with them. 

I’ve had “Go Cubs Go” in my head since 1984. 

I pound on things when the Cubs lose. 

I was among the 15,000 fans at the Kerry Wood game. I sat in the bleachers, a ticket for which I paid $6. 

I still like Sammy Sosa. 

I’m not an eternal optimist, but I never get all that down on the team. I don’t like criticizing the manager or the management. I prefer to try to understand them and what they’re doing. Except for Larry Himes. He was an ass. 

At some point every year I allow myself to imagine what I would do if the Cubs won the World Series. At some point later I always wonder if that’s what jinxed them. 

Some part of me wants the Cubs to tank so we can return to the days when a spring bleacher ticket cost $6 and only 15,000 people would come to a game where the starter was some unproven gangling rookie. 

I will miss Kerry Wood, but I won’t miss people calling him “Woods.” 

I knew I could trust Tony on “24″ because he drank out of a Cubs mug. 

I love white flags, blue W’s, green ivy, and crooked yellow numbers on the bottom row of the scoreboard. 

I believe guest conductors should always start the 7th inning stretch with no other words than, “Alright, let me hear ya. A one, a two, a three. . . .” 

I hate the Cardinals. Go Cubs.

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